The ‘M’ Word – Miscarriage

I’m going to attempt a post about the ‘M’ word. Miscarriage. Happens to lots, talked about by few! Here’s my experience.

Five years ago today I had an ERPC operation – Evacuation of the Retained Products of Conception.

Just over a week prior to that I had my first ever twelve week scan. I remember the morning of the scan vividly. Getting down the gallons of water, arriving at the hospital early, sitting with Glenn having a coffee to kill time. In my gut I knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel excited or eager to see our ‘Squiggle’ (as we’d affectionally named our baby) on the screen. It wasn’t our first scan. We’d been at Kendal Calling a few weeks earlier and I’d had a massive blood loss which resulted in an early end to our festival and a silent car journey home, stopping at A&E, a long sleepless weekend of waiting and then return to hospital on the Monday for an early scan. Miraculously they found a heartbeat. There was hope.

As we had our twelve week scan that day, we weren’t excitedly feeding pound coins into the photo machine. We weren’t ringing friends and family to let them into our secret. We were left in the waiting room looking at all the excited couples doing these things as we sat numb, heartbroken, knowing our baby was gone, lost, a silent miscarriage at eight weeks.

Two days later we went off to Spain with friends as planned. As we had our holiday booked, our only option at that point to deal with our miscarriage was to ‘wait and see’. It was a quiet holiday in a villa and it helped to be away from home. When we got home a week later, nothing had happened naturally and I went in hospital to have the ERPC operation. I’d never had surgery before. I’ll always remember that feeling that I got when the anaesthetic started to take effect, that I couldn’t breathe, panic, suffocation.

You don’t prepare yourself for miscarriage. From the minute you pee on that stick, you bond with your baby. Ours left us silently and I continued to carry our baby for over five weeks, four of them not knowing. When we did know it hit me hard; sadness, not really telling people and the people we did tell not knowing what to say or saying ridiculous things. Then questions you get in the early days of marriage: ‘Isn’t it about time you started a family?’, ‘No baby on the way?’ Scans posted by others on Facebook. Pregnant people everywhere. Babies being born all around us.

We went on to have two more miscarriages, one in March, one in July. Recurrent miscarriage. My GP said to me, “Well, at least you know you can get caught” (heartfelt words from a medical professional!) I had tests at the hospital. The consultant advised me to take low dose aspirin as soon as I suspected I was pregnant the next time round.

The tests were inconclusive but the aspirin together with extra early scans and reassurance from the Early Pregnancy Unit in the early days, and consultant led care throughout, helped me to welcome my eldest son into the world in July 2012. Then my second son followed at Christmas last year. I didn’t enjoy being pregnant. Months of anxiety, fear of scans yet having to have more of them than the norm, knowing how easily hope can be snatched away. I have two beautiful sons but I’ll never forget what we went through and the three that we lost, especially that first time five years ago.

My rainbow babies:

Mr Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, talked about his own experiences of miscarriage a few weeks ago when he announced his wife’s pregnancy on Facebook. Good on him. Maybe if more high profile people talked about it openly, it wouldn’t be the taboo and awkward subject that it is today.

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34 thoughts on “The ‘M’ Word – Miscarriage

  1. I thought this was a very brave and moving story. I completely agree with you about the importance of tackling the taboos around miscarriage. I’ve not had one myself (well, not yet, who knows what will happen) but was flabbergasted to find out how common they were when a friend suffered a similar loss to you. It hardly seemed possible they could be so common and yet so ‘secret’. Seth and Rory are gorgeous. I’m really glad things worked out well for you in the end, although your pregnancies must have been terrifying after everything that happened. Anyway, thanks again for sharing such a personal story.

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    1. Thanks for reading and for your comments. Miscarriage is a very lonely thing to go through, and then you talk to a few people and realise how many more have been effected. A few good friends, my husband and a big soft dog got me through it! x

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  2. What a tough post that must have been to write. But important to get it out there. Miscarriage is hidden away and often hushed up. I remember reading before how you were told to take aspirin. Isn’t it bizarre that the one little pill makes a difference.
    You are so right about other peoples, often well meaning comments about starting a family. As nosy as I want to be, I keep my gob shut now and never ask. You never know what some people are going through and I know too many people who are struggling to conceive or who have lost babies. If people want to talk about it, they will!
    xx

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    1. I owe a lot to that one little pill!

      People are strange. You have no children and they comment, you have one and they ask when your trying for number two, you have boys and they ask when your trying for a girl. xx

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  3. I can really empathise having had a miscarriage too. Well done for sharing your story. Your two little boys are just gorgeous! Popping over from #difflinky (which I know is all about sharing posts rather than commenting but this post touched me and I wanted to let you know that in the comments). xx

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  4. This must have been a very hard post to write. You told the story perfectly and you have me almost in tears as i write this. You are so right though, people should talk about miscarriage more. So many women go through this. Well done for being strong and brave enough to share with everyone. I am so sorry you had to go through this so many times. #justanotherlinky

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  5. A brave thing to write. Im lucky never to gone through it myself, but I have supported a couple of friends after their miscarriges and both of them said one if the hardest things to deal with was the ‘lets just not talk about it’ attitude of many people. #justanotherlinky

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    1. I think it’s the British Stiff Upper Lip thing. It’s handed down through the generations! Thanks for your comments and well done supporting your friends. For me, it was friends that got me through (and my husband and my big furry dog!) x

      Liked by 1 person

  6. People don’t talk about this enough – I had two miscarriages between BB and Little B and it was heartbreaking, made even worse by comments like ‘when are you going to have another one?’ My pregnancy with Little B was the longest nine months of my life and I’m sure aged me about five years. Happily he arrived plump and healthy last October and I’m now planning his first birthday party. Thanks for sharing your storyx #justanotherlinky

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    1. I can relate to having the ‘longest nine months’. When I went in to have my first son, they wrote on a whiteboard next to my bed ‘4 pregnancies 0 live births’. Thankfully I’ve improved that ratio, but the image of that white board will never leave me. x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I was a little teary looking at the pictures of your boys at the end (especially as our eldest is called Rory as well). It is heartbreaking that you went through that and you are incredibly strong to get through it then and to share it now with so many. Thank you for doing it in such an honest way. #justanotherlinky

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  8. A beautiful and brave post. I have 3 friends who have suffered miscarriages last week. It’s so hard to find the right words to say at such a sensitive and sad time. I have never experienced miscarriage thankfully, but I can imagine it’s one of the most heartbreaking things a woman will go through. Thankyou for sharing your experience #justanotherlinky

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  9. Bless you, brave to write about it. My best friend has had 2 miscarriages and 1 ectopic, I am hoping that somewhere if there is a god she will be successful in her hopes to conceive and carry a baby. Popping over from #justanotherlinky X

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  10. Totally agree, it needs to be talked about more. I have had a miscarriage too, and although it was hard at the time, I look back on it as a good thing now (as strange as that sounds) as without it I almost certainly wouldn’t have my son, and may never have had children at all. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  11. Oh wow. This is so sad 😦 I can’t believe your GP said that to you! So heartless.
    My partners Mother has suffered numerous misscarriages and one stillborn (baby girl). My partner is her only child, as you would call – a rainbow baby. I am not sure if the death of his older sister affects him in anyway. He never speaks about it. Although, my dad and his ex partner lost 3 babies. 12 weeks, 15 weeks and 20 weeks during pregnancy. It was so hard for us all. But of course much harder for her and my Father.
    Such an emotional post but your boys are beautiful! xx
    Thank you so much for linking up to #justanotherlinky

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  12. Such an emotional read Ruth. I was pregnant with Alice when my Sister-in-law had the same procedure as you. It was traumatic for us all. She’s so much younger than me and I felt it should have been me not her as I was an old mum. She and my brother also now have two gorgeous boys. x

    Liked by 1 person

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